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            A Brief Excerpt


Sammy Sluice. (Entering and not realizing a duel is in progress, as Dan is about to say  “three,” Sammy  Sluice, a gold miner, runs through the front door and  directly into the line of fire. Bart and Dan both draw, and  appear  to shoot Sammy as he passes through the line of fire.)  The drinks are on me! I’ve struck it.....

Everybody in the bar except Dan and Bart. Three!

Dan. Three!
    
Sammy. (Hearing the guns shoot, Sammy  stops, and looks about and collapses, center stage) ...   rich!   (Sammy collapses, appearing to have been shot dead)

Bart. Oops!

Dan. That goes for me, too!

Bart. (To  Dan)  I think we done shot the wrong person.

Dan. ‘fraid so.

(The Mayor, Fiona and Kitty kneel over Sluice kneel. Fiona puts Sammy’s head in her lap’)

Dan. Is he  dead?

Kitty. Sure looks dead.

Charlie. Sure ain’t moving.

Mayor. He can’t die. He  ain’t got no license.  

Max. (Delighted with the unexpected prospect of a undertaker's fee)  What a horrible tragedy!

Fiona. Somebody fetch Doc, quick. (Concerned Citizen goes for Doc)

Max. Somebody help me toss him  in a coffin.

Kitty. I think we should make sure he’s  dead first.

Dan. You want I should  make sure? (Pointing his gun at Sammy, and ready to finish Sammy off)

Sammy. (Sitting up)  Am I dead?

Bart. Don’t look dead.

Sammy. Maybe I ain’t dead.

Dan.  Could be he ain’t dead.

Fiona. He don’t look dead.

Max. That’s debatable.

Kitty. (To Sammy)  Where’d they get you, old timer?

Sammy. Right here  ...  in the saloon.

Fiona.  She means where did you get shot?

Sammy. I just told you, in the ...

Kitty. (Cutting him off)  There ain’t much blood. How are you feeling?

Sammy.  Not so good.

Charlie. (Crosses around L end of bar, to just above Kitty) He don’t look too good.

Mayor. He never looked too good.

Sammy. I think I’m going fast.

Fiona.  Before you go, do you need a will?

Sammy. I’d prefer a drink.

Kitty. (Turns up to Charlie) Charlie, get him a whiskey. (Charlie goes to get the drink. At the bar there are glasses and whiskey bottles. [props])

Sammy. Could you make it a double? ...

Kitty. (To Sammy)  Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Sammy. ...   Just in case it’s a long trip.

Kitty. (Give him a disapproving look)  Use the cheap stuff, Charlie.

Charlie. One “Old Rot Gut”  double coming up.


Charlie.  (Crosses to Sammy. Kitty fades at bit USL)  Here ya go, Sammy.

Sammy. (Gulping drink down) Can I have another?

Kitty. (A step toward Sammy) Wait a minute!

Sammy. ... Just to replace any missing blood.

Kitty. All right, Sammy. Charlie, get him another.

Charlie. You want I should water it down?

Sammy. No!

Kitty. Yes! (Charlie crosses UL to get drink behind bar)

Dan. (Crossing a step or so to  Sammy)  I’m real sorry, old timer.

Bart. (He takes a step or two toward Sammy; Kitty counters L)  Me, too.

Sammy. (Accepting the fresh drink from Charlie). Aw, it ain’t so bad.  (Charlie goes to bar)

Charlie. (Crossing to Sammy’s L shoulder)  Here ya go, Sammy.

Mayor. (Rising in place) Not half as sorry as you gonna be.

Bart. How come?

Dan. We had our license.

Fiona. Your license doesn’t cover this.

Bart. How come?

Mayor. The people of this here metropolis only licensed you to exterminate each other.

Fiona. Not the substantial folk of this here town. (Patting Sammy on the back)

Kitty. You boys  had better get out of town, pronto.

Bart. Why’ s that?

Kitty. Cause Sammy’s got two big brothers,  Deuce Sluice and Moose Sluice. And they ain’t gonna like this.

Dan. Deuce Sluice and Moose Juice? I never heard of them.

Mayor. (He crosses to Dan. Max counters)  You’ve never heard of Two Gun Sluice?

Dan. Nope.

Bart. Me, neither.

Max.  (He crosses to Bart)  When Deuce comes in, I’ll be delighted to introduce you.

Bart. Hold on a second. Which one is Two Gun Sluice?  

Fiona. Boy, is that a dumb question.

Dan. You wouldn’t think so, if he were after you.

Kitty. (Crossing in to Bart’s L side)  Deuce means two.

Bart.  Just like in poker!

Fiona. They call him “Deuce” because he carries two guns.

Bart. Now I get it.  They call him Two Gun Sluice because he carried two guns.

Dan. Right. But why do they call him Deuce?

Mayor and Fiona. Because he carries two guns!

Dan. Don’t that make four?
​

The Day Black Bart Balderdash 
and Dangerous Dan McGrew Went to Dueling 
at Miss Kitty's Golden Nugget Saloon

                                             Synopsis
                 
A farce set in the old West. Two miners who would go to dueling - if either could only count to "three." A saloon proprietress more worried about damage to her fancy mirror than the carcasses of her patrons.

When Dangerous Dan McGrew and Black Bart Balderdash, partners in prospecting for gold, decide to play a friendly game of cards in Miss Kitty’s Golden Nugget Saloon, the boys go for their guns when Bart accuses Dan of cheating.

But as the boys are about to "exterminate" each other, their duel is repeatedly interrupted by the other well-meaning  citizens of the town, who offer the boys everything from wills, to dueling and larceny licenses, and to prepaid funeral services. The fact that the duel is to commence on the "court of three," turns out to be one further stumbling block when it becomes clear that Dan can't count to three.

Further complications arise when Sammy Sluice happens to enter the bar and crosses  between the boys, just as the boys finally get to "Three!" When Sammy drops to the floor during the hail of lead, Max Macabre and Doc Patch wheel him of to Max's mortuary. Unfortunately for the boys, "ole Sammy" just happens to be the brother of Deuce "Two Gun" Sluice, the meanest man in town!

Hilarious situations and characters abound in this fast-paced farce.


                                                      One-Act

                                                     Unit Set

                                        By: John Donald O'Shea

                                        Cast: 4 M, 4 F, 5 "eithers."

              Performance Time: Approximately 60 minutes, 42 pgs.

                          The Setting: The Golden Nugget Saloon.

                                  Time: One day in the Old West.
         

                  Cast List


Black Bart Balderdash
                                    A Gold Miner, and Dan's partner.

Dangerous Dan McGrew 
                                   A Gold Miner, and Bart's partner.

Doc Patch [male or female] 
                                  Town Doctor

Maximillian [Maxine] Macabre 
                                  Town Undertaker

Miss Kitty 
                                 Proprietor of the Golden Nugget Saloon

Charlie [male or female] 
                                Bartender of the Golden Nugget Saloon

Fiona Fogbound
                               Town Lawyer

Mayor [male or female] 
                               The Mayor

Concerned Citizen [male or female] 
                               Town Busy-Body

Sammy Sluice
                               Another Gold Miner

Deuce Sluice 
                    Sammy's big Brother; Meanest Guy in town.
​
Mrs. Abigail Cropkiller 
                               An Irate Cat Owner

Widow Bridget O'Hara 
                           Very Attractive Very Recently Widow, and
                             erstwhile dog owner.

Mr. O'Shea,

We all enjoyed your play so very much! It is now recognized as the "favorite play"that has ever been performed at our school. We appreciate your creative workmanshipand humor, because this is what made the show enjoyable! My students enjoyed
performing this play, therefore the audience LOVED it!....

Mrs. Robinson
TCHS Drama 

​

Alleman High School Production - Winter 2007-2008

Alleman High School Production - March 2016