"Economics 101" by John Donald O'Shea

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An Excerpt from
"Economics 101."

Vina Viniculture. And just how much did you pay yourself last year, your Majesty?

Queen Quintessa. $10,000.

Vina Viniculture. Ha! That makes you “rich!”

Gryffyn Goodstuff. (To the rest) Hold on, Vina. That seems reasonable. Doesn’t it?

Merisa Marino. Maybe her Majesty could take less in salary?

Tegan Tandem. (Ignoring Merisa) Where did the $10,000 come from?

Vina Viniculture. Obviously, Tegan, from what she’s collected from us in taxes.

Philo Philosophe. Precisely! That’s the way it’s always done. Royalty lives off the sweat of the worker. The ruling class, from time immemorial, has lived in luxury on “acorns” ripped from the bleeding hands of the laboring class - on what royalty has “squirreled away!”

Wainwright Waggoner. (To Queen) What stops you from declaring a “rainy day” and from awarding yourself a bigger salary?

Queen Quintessa. What has stopped me up until now?

Wainwright Waggoner. Well, it’s not fair! I make wagons for the rest of you all day. (To Queen) You sit on your duff and make twice as much money as I do.

Queen Quintessa. Perhaps my job is twice as hard as your. Maybe the services I render are twice as valuable?

Nora Now. Not if you’re not addressing issues of concern to working women!

Vina Viniculture. I scratch out a squalid living making and selling choice wines. I earn a miserable $6000 a year, and I pay an outrageous 28% income tax.

Fred Fortyacre. I work my fingers to the bone trying to provide the rest of you with food. Last year, like all of you, I paid the Queen’s 28% tax on a meager net income of $4000.

Tegan Tandem. My mule and I haul everything you people need. I slave everyday to make a stinking $4500 a year, and my mule works for nothing!

Queen Quintessa. I’ve labored to give you peace, prosperity and the freedom to pursue your chosen occupations. I do not consider that sitting on my duff. And as Vina accuses me of not paying taxes, let me say I paid the same 28% you did.

Vina Viniculture. We’re not paying you $10,000 a year to do nothing. Queens are supposed to make laws; decrees! And why are you only paying 28% tax? You should pay at least 35%.

Merisa Marino. Or at least, 41.5%!

Gryffyn Goodstuff. Why?

Vina Viniculture. Because she’s rich.

Queen Quintessa. (Ignoring Vina, and appealing to the others) I’ve always believed that the monarch who governs the best, governs least.

Cooper Cask. Wait! Her Majesty- has a point.

Fred Fortyacre. A point? What kind of point, Cooper? Are you crazy? Do you expect us to pay her an exorbitant salary for doing nothing?

Cooper Cask. I think, Fred, it’s worth a good deal to have a ruler who leaves us alone.

Wainwright Waggoner. Not quite alone, Cooper. She collect a 28% tax on our incomes.

Cooper Cask. I like running my own business, without governmental interference. Without rules and regulations.

Queen Quintessa. Do you not understand that every time I make laws, I infringe - bit by bit - upon your liberties.

Philo Philosophe. Ah! There it is! The shibboleth of the classic conservative!

Vina Viniculture. That’s a cop-out. I think your Majesty should either take a salary cut, pay more taxes, or get busy making laws.

Philo Philosophe. Laws to root out evil. To better the lot of the common folk!

Nora Now. Laws to protect women!

Queen Quintessa. Would you be happier if I banned peanut butter? Outlawed chocolate milk? Suppressed soft drinks? Or as adults, can you make those decisions for yourselves?

Fred Fortyacre. The plain fact is, that she pays herself two and a half times as much as I make! It’s unfair! And she never once has grown an avocado!

Queen Quintessa. What if my services to the state, in providing a business friendly environment, are worth two and a half times a much as your avocados?

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ECONOMICS 101

SYNOPSIS

For two millennia, people around the globe have longed to return to the halcyon time of the early church when “All ... shared all things in common, and would sell their property and possessions and divide them among all according to each one’s need.

In this play, a strong majority of the citizenry of the remote island of Myopia, a tiny island-kingdom quite unknown to the civilized world, disgusted with income-disparity among the island’s residents, choose to harken back to the apostolic tradition of communal life, eschewing the principle of “equality of opportunity,” and opting instead “equality of outcome.”

The plan is premised on the notion of all islanders becoming public employees, and receiving equal salaries and ultimately, pensions. Through an oversight while forgoing private-sector employment is assumed, it is not mandated.

For the first year, all goes “swimmingly.” Then....

ECONOMICS 101

CAST LIST

THE RESIDENTS OF THE ISLAND OF MYOPIA

(6 women & 4 men. Or there can be 11 “eithers”)

Queen Quintessa, the Canny

Fred Fortyacre

Gryffyn Goodstuff

Cooper Cask

Wainwright Waggoner

Merisa Marino

Tegan Tandem

Nora Now

Vina Viniculture

Philo Philosophe

The Queen. An enlightened ruler. She believes the “ruler rules best who rules least.”

A Farmer & later Lord High Dog Catcher. This is a man who is not happy about the weather or anything else.

The Grocer & later Lord High Marshall. She sees “consensus” as the highest of virtues.

The Barrel Maker & later Lord High Treasurer. He asks only to be left alone. He esteems his liberty.

The Wagon Maker & later Lord High Admiral. A worry wart. Expects the sky to fall ... and sooner rather than later.

The Mercer & later Pension Administrator. A dealer in textile fabrics. Always looking for a deal.

The Teamster & later Lord High Commandant of the Coast Guard. Dumb and stubborn as a mule. Usually irrelevant.

Head of the Myopian chapter of NOW, & later Lord High Warden of Royal Prison. A person obsessed with feminist concerns.

The Vintner & later Internal Revenue Commissioner. A wine maker; a wine merchant. Her hero is Robin Hood or anybody else who takes from the “rich” to give to the “poor.”

The Philosopher & later Lord Chief Justice. Professes to love the “common man,” while harboring a contempt for royalty.

  Don’s Other Plays

    Free previews of all of Don’s plays are available at his web site:  http://www.osheasplays.com/

Don’s plays with other publishers can also be previewed as well as purchased at their websites:
Theatrefolk                                  https://www.theatrefolk.com/
Big Dog Plays                                    http://www.bigdogplays.com/
Brooklyn Publishers                          https://www.brookpub.com/
Norman Maine Plays                     http://www.normanmaineplays.com/
Drama Source                                     http://www.dramasource.com/
Pioneer Drama Service                     http://www.pioneerdrama.com