The Mistress of Memorabilia

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An Excerpt from
"The Mistress of Memorabilia"

(On the Road)

Hildy. Top o’ the morning to you, Eb.

Ebenizer. Don’t have time to talk to you, Ma’am.

Hildy. Sure ya do, Eb. (Showing her bag) Let me show you what I got in my bag.

Ebenizer. I don’t want no more dead mules from you, Mrs. Hogweed.

Hildy. Surely you don’t think I’ve got a big ole dead mule is this little bitty bag

Ebenizer. I wouldn’t put it past you.

Hildy. Now, Eb. When the mule died, didn’t I give your back your money?

Ebenizer. Yup. But I still don’t trust you

Hildy. Let me try and make it up to you.

Ebenizer. It can’t be done.

Hildy. Not even if I let you have a true “collector’s item” real cheap?

Ebenizer. Not even then.

Hildy. But I thought Elvis Presley was your favorite singer ever.

Ebenizer. What does Elvis got to do with all of this.

Hildy. That’s what I’m trying to tell you, you old fool.

Ebenizer. (Now getting interested) Have you got Elvis memorabilia in that there bag?

Hildy. Better than that, Eb. I got his genuine skull from when he was a young boy.

(Displaying it)

Ebenizer. I don’t believe you.

Hildy. Look here. (She pulls out a certificate from her bag) Read this.

Ebenizer. (Reading from certificate) I, Elvis Presley, king of rock and roll, (interjecting) he sure was that... (resumes reading) hereby certify that the skull marked EAP#1, is my genuine boyhood skull, so help me God. Signed, Elvis Aaron Presley

Hildy. Note that it’s even under oath.

Ebenizer. I don’t know. Something don’t seem quite right. I want more proof.

Hildy. Well, Eb, this is your lucky day. (Reaching in her bag) I just happen to have an affidavit from his mother. (She hands it to him).

Ebenizer. From Gladys?

Hildy. From Gladys Love Smith Presley.

Ebenizer. I, Gladys Love Smith Presley, hereby certify that I am the mother of Elvis Aaron Presley, a/k/a the “King of Rock and Roll” and that the skull which Brunhilda Hogweed is in the process of selling to Ebenizer Whithercrop is the true and genuine skull of my son Elvis, at age eleven. Signed, Gladys Love Smith Presley, May 15, 1965.

Hildy. You get the skull, the certificate and the affidavit -- all for the unheard of price of $500.

Ebenizer. Mrs. Hogweed, you’ve got a deal. It’s a pleasure doing business with a fine lady like yourself. (Exiting) Just wait to Mrs. Whithercrop sees this!

(Displaying the skull)

Hildy. (Looking at the money) Easy come, easy go, easy come again. Gawsh, I love being an entrepreneur! And with airfare in hand, I’m off to the Big Apple.

(Lights Down. End of Scene)

        The Mistress of Memorabilia

by John Donald O'Shea

                             Synopsis

   A wise man once said, “Don’t believe everything your read in the papers.”

   Lieutenant Harry Monday and his partner “Joe” Vicegrip find that there is much wisdom in the “old saw.” When they execute a search warrant to “find the goose that laid the golden egg,” they come up empty, and find themselves up against a brilliant scam artist, attempting create a new “can’t miss” “reality” TV show.

                            CAST OF CHARACTERS

                            ( 6 men and 2 women; or 8 “eithers”)

   (Author’s Note: The play was originally staged with 1 boy and 7 girls)

Lt. “Harry” (Harriet) Monday                 A police investigator, "Bunco"                                                                                          Department

Officer “Joe”(Josephine) Vicegrip        Harry’s partner

Pamela Paucity                                            A poor widow

Brunhilda “Hildy” Hogweed                     An unscrupulous scammer

Ebenizer Whithercrop                                A local farmer

Captain Tracey                                             Harry’s boss

“Jack” (Jacquie) Paucity                            Pamela’s gullible teen age son.

Ronald (Donna) Frump                             A fabulously wealthy TV producer

                                             Don’s Other Plays

    Free previews of all of Don’s plays are available at his web site: http://www.osheasplays.com/

Don’s plays with other publishers can also be previewed as well as purchased at their websites:
Theatrefolk                                https://www.theatrefolk.com/
Big Dog Plays                                    http://www.bigdogplays.com/
Brooklyn Publishers                        https://www.brookpub.com/
Norman Maine Plays                     http://www.normanmaineplays.com/
Drama Source                                     http://www.dramasource.com/
Pioneer Drama Service                     http://www.pioneerdrama.com