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An Excerpt from
"The Mistress of Memorabilia"
(On the Road)
Hildy. Top o’ the morning to you, Eb.
Ebenizer. Don’t have time to talk to you, Ma’am.
Hildy. Sure ya do, Eb. (Showing her bag) Let me show you what I got in my bag.
Ebenizer. I don’t want no more dead mules from you, Mrs. Hogweed.
Hildy. Surely you don’t think I’ve got a big ole dead mule is this little bitty bag
Ebenizer. I wouldn’t put it past you.
Hildy. Now, Eb. When the mule died, didn’t I give your back your money?
Ebenizer. Yup. But I still don’t trust you
Hildy. Let me try and make it up to you.
Ebenizer. It can’t be done.
Hildy. Not even if I let you have a true “collector’s item” real cheap?
Ebenizer. Not even then.
Hildy. But I thought Elvis Presley was your favorite singer ever.
Ebenizer. What does Elvis got to do with all of this.
Hildy. That’s what I’m trying to tell you, you old fool.
Ebenizer. (Now getting interested) Have you got Elvis memorabilia in that there bag?
Hildy. Better than that, Eb. I got his genuine skull from when he was a young boy.
Ebenizer. I don’t believe you.
Hildy. Look here. (She pulls out a certificate from her bag) Read this.
Ebenizer. (Reading from certificate) I, Elvis Presley, king of rock and roll, (interjecting) he sure was that... (resumes reading) hereby certify that the skull marked EAP#1, is my genuine boyhood skull, so help me God. Signed, Elvis Aaron Presley
Hildy. Note that it’s even under oath.
Ebenizer. I don’t know. Something don’t seem quite right. I want more proof.
Hildy. Well, Eb, this is your lucky day. (Reaching in her bag) I just happen to have an affidavit from his mother. (She hands it to him).
Ebenizer. From Gladys?
Hildy. From Gladys Love Smith Presley.
Ebenizer. I, Gladys Love Smith Presley, hereby certify that I am the mother of Elvis Aaron Presley, a/k/a the “King of Rock and Roll” and that the skull which Brunhilda Hogweed is in the process of selling to Ebenizer Whithercrop is the true and genuine skull of my son Elvis, at age eleven. Signed, Gladys Love Smith Presley, May 15, 1965.
Hildy. You get the skull, the certificate and the affidavit -- all for the unheard of price of $500.
Ebenizer. Mrs. Hogweed, you’ve got a deal. It’s a pleasure doing business with a fine lady like yourself. (Exiting) Just wait to Mrs. Whithercrop sees this!
(Displaying the skull)
Hildy. (Looking at the money) Easy come, easy go, easy come again. Gawsh, I love being an entrepreneur! And with airfare in hand, I’m off to the Big Apple.
(Lights Down. End of Scene)
The Mistress of Memorabilia
A wise man once said, “Don’t believe everything your read in the papers.”
Lieutenant Harry Monday and his partner “Joe” Vicegrip find that there is much wisdom in the “old saw.” When they execute a search warrant to “find the goose that laid the golden egg,” they come up empty, and find themselves up against a brilliant scam artist, attempting create a new “can’t miss” “reality” TV show.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
( 6 men and 2 women; or 8 “eithers”)
(Author’s Note: The play was originally staged with 1 boy and 7 girls)
Lt. “Harry” (Harriet) Monday A police investigator, "Bunco" Department
Officer “Joe”(Josephine) Vicegrip Harry’s partner
Pamela Paucity A poor widow
Brunhilda “Hildy” Hogweed An unscrupulous scammer
Ebenizer Whithercrop A local farmer
Captain Tracey Harry’s boss
“Jack” (Jacquie) Paucity Pamela’s gullible teen age son.
Ronald (Donna) Frump A fabulously wealthy TV producer
Don’s Other Plays
Free previews of all of Don’s plays are available at his web site: http://www.osheasplays.com/
Don’s plays with other publishers can also be previewed as well as purchased at their websites:
Big Dog Plays http://www.bigdogplays.com/
Brooklyn Publishers https://www.brookpub.com/
Norman Maine Plays http://www.normanmaineplays.com/
Drama Source http://www.dramasource.com/
Pioneer Drama Service http://www.pioneerdrama.com
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