BUY SCRIPT(S) HERE
PAY ROYALTIES HERE
Once you have paid us via Paypal for your script(s) and royalties, Paypal will notify us and we will send you a PDF file of the script. You may print out only as many copies of the script from that PDF as you have paid for.
In addition, you must pay one royalty for each performance.
We trust you to be honest.
A Brief Excerpt from
(Tooaday and Murph Radio Show. Tooaday and Murph are doing their daily radio sports talk show in the studio. The show has the 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. time slot. It is their first broadcast after opening day. The Cubs lost to the Card 2-0)
Tank Tooaday. I tell you Murph, that was the most depressing game I ever saw. The Cubs couldn’t catch a stinkin’ break. (Getting philosophical) Do you think there’s any chance that God has got it in for the Cubs?
Murph. Do you remember Joe Blifitz?
Tank. Joe who? ... Wasn’t he a third string catcher with the Red Sox?
Murph. The little guy from “L’il Abner” who always had the little rain cloud hovering over his head? That Joe Blifitz!
Tank. Yeah. I think that guy is the Cubs.
Murph. What do you expect? They were playing the Cards. Look at the bright side, Tank. The Sox won.
Tank. Nobody in Chicago cares about the White Sox.
Murph. Tank, my friend, good teams don’t catch breaks, they make them! The Cubs always lose because the Cubs always stink!
Tank. We had the bases loaded with two outs in the third, and “Ducky” Drake lines one over third base. It hits on the line. It kicks up chalk, and the ump standing a lousy three feet away, yells “foul ball.” With the count 3 and 2, the runners were going.It would have cleared the bases, and the Cubs would have won 3-2.
Murph. Drake still had another strike. If he was clutch, he would have gotten a hit. Besides, the umpire was in perfect position to make the right call.
Tank. Then why didn’t he? Why didn’t he see the chalk kick up?
Murph. Because, there was no chalk! The foul lines are painted, you idiot.
Tank. Paint? Chalk? What difference does it make? I saw a puff when the ball landed. Eight million people who saw the replay on T. V. saw a puff!
Murph. Probably dirt kicking up. . The ump didn’t see any chalk kick up, and he had the only vote.
Tank. I know the ump didn’t! That’s what I’m complaining about! He was the only guy in the Western Hemisphere who didn’t! A blind guy in Phoenix could have gotten the call right!
Murph. Tank, the game wasn’t lost in the 6th. That was just one play. Hell, [Heck] fat-ole
Ducky Drake killed the fourth inning when he tried to go to third with no outs on the “hit and waddle.”
Tank. What’s wrong with trying to go from first to third on a hit?
Murph. It’s a basic rule of base running! You don’t make the first out at third base!
Tank. And what the [hell] [heck] is a “hit and waddle?” It was a hit and run. He had the play in front of him!
Murph. But he runs like a porta-pottie! With Drake on first there is no such thing a “hit and run.” He was out because he tried to take third on a “hit and waddle.” When do we get to talk about the Sox? They won, you know.
Tank. Nobody cares. (Looking at phone). We got Car Phone Frankie on line 2. (On phone) Hello, Car Phone ....
Car Phone Frankie. (Calling in) Hi, Tank and Murph. I’m a first time caller. ...
(Tank pushes a button and some inane noise is heard; e. g., a cock crowing!)
Tank. What’s on your mind, Car Phone?
Car Phone Frankie. All I want to say is that dem Cardinals is the luckiest bunch of bums dat I ever saw.
Tank. That’s just what I was telling Murph, here.
Murph. (Needling Tank) Is this guy your brother, Tank? He cries just like you.
Car Phone Frankie. “Moose Moron” hit two balls right on the nose.
Murph. (Interjecting) For the first time in recent memory!
Car Phone Frankie. Both looked like dey were going out, and both times dey’re caught by dat guy in left for the Cards on leaping catches in the vines.
Murph. That’s what the Cards pay him to do.
Car Phone Frankie. Da second time, I swear he actually climbed up da vines to get da ball at da base of the basket.
Murph. They call that “good defense.” Somebody on the Cubs should try it some day.
Car Phone Frankie. I was sitting in da right field bleachers, and I tell you guys, it was as if a wind came up at da very last minute and knocked both balls down and kept them in da park.
Tank. You see, Murph. I’m not imagining it.
Murph. I hate to hear grown men cry. I suggest you both root for the Sox.
Tank. And each time, there was a man on base! If either had gone out, we’d have at least tied the game!
Car Phone Frankie. Did you ever notice how all da balls that look like there going to be homers against da Cards always wind up about twelve inches short?
Murph. (Anticipating what’s coming. To Murph) Obviously, a case of divine intervention.
Car Phone Frankie. Do you know what I think? I think someone up dere doesn’t like the Cubs!
Tank. (To Murph) See. I’m not crazy. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
Car Phone Frankie. Last season, two nights in a row against Cincinnati, Biff Backwards, dat guy in center for them, made leaping catches on balls just as dey were going over da wall in dead center.
Murph. The Cards just play good defense. You guys are so used to the Cubs kicking balls all over the yard, that you mistake good defense for divine intervention.
Tank. Thanks for calling, Car Phone Frankie. We’ve got [North Side Tooter] [Old Cub Fart] on line 1. How you doing, [Tooter] [Old Fart]?
Tooter. I’m doing terrible. I’m sick and tired of the [damn] [crummy] Cardinals beating the Cubs. I’m so mad, I’ve decided to quit going to Church.
Murph. That’s terrible! How often have you been going up to now?
Tooter. Every Easter -- religiously!
A Cub Fan's Midsummer Night's Dream
Nellie Dee is on a mission. The bishop has decided to close to close St. Bridget’s Catholic School because the parish is fast going broke. Desperate, Nellie withdraws her life savings and repairs to Blackie Hogan’s "bookie joint."
It is opening day of the new baseball season, and upon arrival, Nellie explains to Blackie Hogan that she wants to place a bet that the Cubs will win the pennant. Amused, that a sweet 95 year old lady wants to patronize his business, the big hearted Hogan offers here 1000 to one odds, only to find she intends to bet the entirety of her $5000 savings. A man of honor, Hogan accepts the bet.
At the same time, however, Nellie peppers God with her incessant prayers. Fully aware of her purpose of saving the school, and impressed with her constancy, God sends his angel, Joseph, to announce to Nellie that here prayers have been heard.
Entirely unaware of Nellie’s efforts, J. F. Wrigley, the owner of the Cubs, the fans, the press and the teams announcers suffer through one more miserable Cub season, until a desperate Wrigley decides to think “out of the box.” When he does, the Cub fan’s Midsummer Night’s Dream begins.
Cast of Characters
(12 Male & 6 Female, 2 either)
Blackie “The Count” Hogan A Bookie. Also a expert in
baseball statistics. A frequent talk show "expert" guest.
Tank Tooaday Former pro football star. Now a
radio sports talk show host.Not terribly bright. He lives and
dies Cubs baseball. Hyper.
Louie. [or Lilly] Blackie’s Employee.
[Doubles as “Announcer”]
Nellie Dee A spry 95 year old Cub Fan who
has rooted for the Cubs since the
Skip Dip The radio voice of the Chicago
Cubs. A "Skip" Caray character.
Rick Rock The radio color man of the Chicago
Cubs. A Steve Stone character.
Murph [can be a female] Tank’s co-host. An easy going
somewhat rational White Sox fan.
Car Phone Frankie A rather nutty Cub fan, who
frequently calls the Tank and
North Side Tooter Another nutty Cub fan. A frequent
[or, Old Cub Fart] Tank and Murph caller.
“Fat” Freddie Fitzpatrick The Cub Manager
Joseph An Angel. A messenger from God.
West Side Wally (F) A female Cub fan.
J. F. “Juicy Fruit” Wrigley President of the Cubs. Descendant of the Wrigleys.
Desperate for the Cubs to win.
Molly O’Malley A good looking sports writer.
Smart. A former star college
softball player. Physically, she
is a “knockout.”
Mike Manic A male chauvinist sports writer.
Rosenberg A rather depricating male
Jane McGraw A woman of 45. Married with
four teen age boys. In her youth
a great Olympic Softball Player. She has coached her boys’
Ghost The Ghost of Joe McCarthy -
legendary Cubs manager during
the 1920s and 1930s.
Mary Khristmas A female sports writer. Feminist.
Schaumburg Suzy A recently converted female
Cub fan. A bridge player.
Don’s Other Plays
Free previews of all of Don’s plays are available at his web site: http://www.osheasplays.com/
Don’s plays with other publishers can also be previewed as well as purchased at their websites:
Big Dog Plays http://www.bigdogplays.com/
Brooklyn Publishers https://www.brookpub.com/
Norman Maine Plays http://www.normanmaineplays.com/
Drama Source http://www.dramasource.com/
Pioneer Drama Service http://www.pioneerdrama.com
- Just Published
- Full Length
- One Acts
High & Jr. High Plays
- It's a Wonderful Life
- Little Women
- I Wanted to Live
- The Eumenides
- On the Eve of Revolution
- When Lilacs Bloom Again in the Dooryard
- The Proud and Haughty Beauty
- The Revolting Cheerleaders' Hunger Drive
- Nellie's Prayer
- The Christmas Reindeer
- The Little Herald Angel
- The Belle of Cozen Creek
- Mornings After the Dream
- The Mistress of Memorabilia
- Jack and The Mistress of Memorabilia
- Is the Joint Haunted?
- Murphy's House
- The Trial of Harry Wolfe
- The Golfer's Widow
- The First Christmas Present
- Economics 101
- The Grand Excursion
- The Trial of Dante Garza
- Girl of the Golden West
- Christmas & Holidays
- Musicals/Plays with Music
- Authors' Bio Pages
- About Us/Submissions
- Contact Us