Jack and The Mistress of Memorabilia

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An Excerpt from
"Jack and the Mistress of Memorabilia."

Garrett. We have a search warrant, Ma’am.

Pamela. I don’t understand?

Willy. (Repeating slowly) We ... have ... a .... search ... warrant, .... Ma’am.

Pamela. I understood what you said. I didn’t understand what you meant. What’s a search warrant?

Koma. It a court order for us to search your home. (“Willy ” hands Pamela a copy of the warrant)

Pamela. I still don’t understand.

Garrett. The judge has ordered us to search your house for stolen property.

Koma. May we come in?

Pamela. Well, I don’t know....

Willy. If you refuse, Ma’am, the warrant authorizes us to do a forced entry.

Pamela. (More than a little annoyed) So you mean to say that if I refuse, you’ll huff and puff and blow my door down?

Garrett. No, Ma’am. You’re thinking of the Big Bad Wolf.

Koma. We’re cops.

Garrett. However, we have a really cool battering ram in the trunk of our car.

Willy. (Enthusiastically) It’s a GAMM ram. Real high quality steel.

Koma. Weighs about 30 pounds. It’s ideal for breaking down front doors! (Illustrating) Put it against any door and it goes BAMM! No more door!

Pamela. You’d break down my door?

Willy. Yes, Ma’am.

Koma. Absolutely.

Garrett. It’s good, clean fun.

Pamela. In that case, come in.

Koma. Thank you, Mrs. Paucity. Is your son home?

Pamela. No. What exactly are you looking for?

Garrett. It’s all specified right there in the warrant, .

Pamela. (Reading) ... A small brown leather pouch containing gold coins....

Willy. That’s right.

Pamela. (Still reading) ... A goose that lays golden eggs, together with sundry golden eggs....

Garrett. Do you want to tell us where they are?

Pamela. (Still reading and utterly dumbfounded) .... And a golden harp that accompanies itself in a rather nasally soprano voice, and is very fond of giants....

Koma. Why don’t you tell us where they are Ma’am. It will save us rummaging through your place.

Garrett. If you could just hand over the stuff?

Willy. We don’t want to mess your place up.

Koma. Our mothers wouldn’t like that.

Pamela. What sort of nut issued this warrant, Mr. McFerrett?

Koma. What do you mean, Ma’am?

Pamela. Who ever heard of a goose that lays golden eggs?

Willy. Apparently the lady who made the complaint.

Pamela. Or a golden harp that plays itself while simultaneously singing soprano?

Koma. The same lady.

Pamela. Have any of you idiots ever met a real live goose that lays golden eggs?

Garrett. Not that I recall, Mrs. Paucity.

Willy. Not recently.

Pamela. Or a golden harp that sings soprano - and has an affinity for random giants?

Koma. I’m afraid not, Ma’am.

Willy. Not that I recall.

Pamela. (On the counterattack) And neither has your idiot judge!

Garrett. I don’t think you should refer to Judge Judy as an idiot.

Koma. Even if it might be true.

Garrett. (To Koma) Koma, you start with the kitchen drawers. I’ll get the ones in the bathroom. Willy, you take the basement.

Pamela. Hold on a second! Just how big is this “golden harp?”

Garrett. (Checking the complaint) The complaint describes it as about four feet tall.

Pamela. And your “golden goose?”

Koma. You’ve seen one goose, Ma’am, you’ve seen them all.

Pamela. Just how would you expect me to hide either one of those things in my kitchen drawers?

Garrett. It’s been my experience, Ma’am, that women are very good at folding things.

Pamela. Whoever heard of someone folding a goose?

Garrett. You’re forgetting the harp, Ma’am.

Pamela. Have any of you ever tried to fold a piano?

Willy. No. Just a cello.

Pamela. And?

Willy. It folded fine.

Pamela. Uh-huh ....

Willy. It was the unfolding that was the problem.

Koma. And there’s still the matter of the bag of gold coins Ma’am.

Pamela. Okay. The three of you go search. I’ll be back in a minute.

Garrett. You can’t leave Ma’am.

Pamela. I wasn’t planning to.

Willy. Then where are you going, Ma’am.

Pamela. To get my son’s baseball bat.

Koma. What do you need a baseball bat for, Ma’am

Pamela. I plan to use it as a “battering ram” in that any of you morons messes up my house.

(Lights Down. End of Scene)

Jack and the Mistress of Memorabilia

                     Synopsis

   A wise man once said, “Don’t believe everything your read in the papers.”

    Detective Garrett McFerrett, head of Hawaii Double-0, and his aides William “Willy” Danno and Koma Kamikaze find that there is much wisdom in the “old saw.”

    When they execute a search warrant to “find the goose that laid the golden egg,” they come up empty, and find themselves up against a brilliant scam artist, attempting create a new “can’t miss” “reality” TV show.

     This is the same play as "The Mistress of Memorabilia," but with
different, modern police force.

                CAST OF CHARACTERS

                             (3 males, 4 females and 2 “eithers”)


Detective Garret “McFerrett           A police investigator; Head of
                                                                    Hawaii Double-0.

William “Willy” Danno                    McFerrett’s partner

Koma Kamikaze                                Rookie cop in McFerrett’s unit

Pamela Paucity                                A poor widow

Brunhilda “Hildy” Hogweed           An unscrupulous scammer

Ebenizer Whithercrop                      A local farmer

Governor Pauline Jamieson           Garrett’s boss

“Jack” (Jacquie) Paucity                  Pamela’s gullible teen age son.

Ronald (Donna) Frump               A fabulously wealthy TV producer

                                           Don’s Other Plays

    Free previews of all of Don’s plays are available at his web site: http://www.osheasplays.com/

Don’s plays with other publishers can also be previewed as well as purchased at their websites:
Theatrefolk                                https://www.theatrefolk.com/
Big Dog Plays                                    http://www.bigdogplays.com/
Brooklyn Publishers                        https://www.brookpub.com/
Norman Maine Plays                     http://www.normanmaineplays.com/
Drama Source                                     http://www.dramasource.com/
Pioneer Drama Service                     http://www.pioneerdrama.com